Our Washer Died, or How I Experienced the Worst Experience of My Life Thus Far

As I mentioned previously, I just got to drop $700 on a new washing machine because ours stopped working.  Here is the saga in detail:

I came home from work and was going to throw the load of towels that I had washed at lunch into the dryer before heading off to hip hop, but the washer was still completely full of water.  I kept hearing shuddering whenever it would try to drain and it wouldn’t work on any cycle or setting.  I call Andy in and, in true Andy fashion, he totally overreacted about how the world was ending because he had no clean clothes.  I calmed him down and we started watching tutorials on how to diagnose what’s wrong with a washer that won’t drain.  Then Andy went off to work, where he thought about how going to a laundromat once is not the end of the world, while I did every diagnostic thing I felt comfortable doing, with the washing machine doing its death shakes the whole time.

I found the paperwork from when the washer was purchased and, lo and behold, it’s 14 years old (aka I’m not spending money on repairs because they are going to be major).  I called up Sears anyway about getting a repairman to come out.  A. It will be almost $100 just to have someone come look at it.  B. No one is available for almost 2 weeks.  C. The woman in Asia fielding phone calls asked about my “dishwasher” no less than 6 times.

So then I did what every responsible adult does when faced with a challenge: I called my mom, who then told me to call my dad.

After talking it through with him, and then my mom when she called back, I was convinced I needed a new washer.  Conveniently, all appliance stores were starting their Labor Day sales.  Thanks for that, at least, stupid Kenmore washer.

I start out googling best washing machines and quickly realized there is no way I’m dropping $2k on something that will just die and crush my soul again.  After extensive internet research, exploring what was available in town, braving the terrible Fort Collins Sears that’s in liquidation, and finding out who will install for free, I decided on this beaut:

LG High-Efficiency Front Load Washer with Steam in White, ENERGY STAR

On sale, excellent reviews, qualifies for a $50 rebate from the utility company, free delivery, free haul away of our broken one, and best of all, they will install and make sure it works for free.  I was surprised to find that most places will deliver and haul away for free, but Home Depot is alone in offering free installation, including leveling and testing.  SOLD.

But there was the issue of emptying the broken washer.  As much as I didn’t want to, I knew I was going to have to siphon the water out, especially after talking to my dad.  THIS IS WHERE THE MOST HORRIBLE EXPERIENCE OF MY ENTIRE LIFE THUS FAR OCCURS.  I get the a hose out, clean it off, put a plastic bag with a hole cut in it on the end so my lips don’t have to touch garden hose, and start sucking.  I get some water out, only a bit gets in my mouth, and I leave it to run, but then it stops.  I repeat the process again and I suck a foreign object into my mouth.  I immediately spit it out on the patio and realize THERE WAS A DEAD SPIDER IN MY MOUTH.  I’ll let you sit with that a moment.


Please kill me.

Needless to say, I rinsed my mouth out and brushed my teeth more times than I can count.  And the siphon stopped halfway through and I said eff it.

The next day, Andy has the audacity to ask, “Did you know we have two auto-siphons for brewing?”  NO.  IF I KNEW THAT, I WOULDN’T HAVE EXPERIENCED WET, DEAD SPIDER IN MY MOUTH.  And now guess who gets to be in charge of draining the rest of the water.


I just had to buy a new washer.

At least my parents and I can joke that after replacing all the major appliances, I won’t have to buy anything for another 15 years.

I have not come to terms with this new washer business yet.  Stand by for the update, when I’m not crying myself to sleep.